Everyday Heroism

I don’t do scary movies.

I’ve always felt that there’s enough anxiety and trauma in real life – I go to the movies to escape real life, to lose myself in a great story that doesn’t require me to wear Depends.

However, last week I broke with tradition to see The Lady in Black, starring Daniel Radcliffe (of Harry Potter fame). You see, I had heard quick treatment in the news of some comments by Radcliffe, and I had gotten my knickers in a knot over it. Kind of a little tiff between Daniel and me. When I learned that I had heard and accepted the comments out of context, I felt guilty. So, I decided to make it up to him by going to see his new movie. It was the least I could do.

I knew the movie was a period piece, but I didn’t really know the plot line as fully as I normally do before committing $9.50 to a movie. Had I realized it was such a creeper from start to finish, I might have re-thought the extent of my debt to Mr. Radcliffe, and gone to see something a little lighter, like Schindler’s List, maybe.

Well, I made it through. It was an excellent movie, Radcliffe was truly amazing, and I feel certain my HSA will cover my new prescriptions for the Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder.

The whole experience got me thinking, though, about how very different the movies would be, if I were the main character. They’d have to sell popcorn in a resealable “to-go” pack because each movie would last about seven minutes. Why? Because most movies depend upon a tenacious hero or heroine to propel them along, and heroism to me is, like, taking the trash to the curb when it’s really cold out. As I considered this undeniable truth, I began to picture the way my involvement would alter the plotlines of some of my favorite movies:

The Lady in Black

Boss: I need you to go to a dead lady’s house to wade through a bunch of papers to see if there are any relevant documents there.

Me: You got it, boss.

Townspeople: You don’t want to go there! It’s haunted! People die after someone goes there and stirs things up!

Me: Hey, wow, thanks for the heads-up. I’ll just go over to a neighboring town where the sun shines sometimes and pass the time ‘til Friday, when I can report back to my boss.

Boss: Did you find any relevant papers?

Me: Nope, not a’one.

Boss: Are you sure there’s nothing there?

Me: Sir, I can promise you there’s not anyone alive who would look harder than I did. We’re good.

Silkwood

Me: I love my job here at the nuclear power plant, it pays so well! Best job I ever had.

Friend: Yeah, but people are getting contaminated and dying from cancer. We need to fight this! We need to blow the whistle on this!

Me: Hey, I heard the McDonald’s in town is hiring, and they give you a free hamburger every time you work…

Rocky

Trainer: They want you to fight the heavyweight champion of the world.

Me: Yeah? This could be the big break I’ve been waiting for my whole life!

Trainer: The only catch is, everybody sort of thinks it’s a joke – an exhibition match, where Creed can beat someone to a bloody pulp in front of a national audience. You’ll train harder than you’ve ever trained in your life, and the odds of you winning are still around a million to one.

Me: What do you think of golf as a sport?

The Silence of the Lambs

FBI Guy: We want to pull you from training because we believe you’re very talented and we want to use you for a very special, high-profile assignment.

Me: *blushing* Oh, well, thank you, you’re too kind… I’m happy to assist in any way you feel I can be of service.

FBI Guy: We want you to go talk to a guy that eats people about another guy that kills people and skins them, then makes dresses out of their skin and wears them.

Me: Um…

FBI Guy: And the first guy, who eats people, is also a brilliant psychopath who will try to torment you by digging into your emotions and your past, then using that information against you to make you weak and quite possibly drive you insane.

Me: Well, I’m not sure…

FBI Guy: And, by the way, we want you to capture the second guy, who would like to skin you and wear your skin. There will probably be a very creepy life-or-death chase through the guy’s basement with night goggles. Wait – he’ll have the night goggles, you won’t.

Me: Hey, I don’t know if you know this, but I JUST changed my major at FBI school to traffic tickets. No, seriously. I’m fascinated by them. Gosh, I hate to let you down and all, but I really don’t think I’m your gal for this one…

So, you get the idea. Not only could I not BE in most movies, I can’t even WATCH the scary ones. My friend Dale could tell you that we went to see Silkwood together almost 30 years ago, and I’m still not quite over it.

I guess it’s the “everyday heroism” that’s more within my comfort zone. Doing 15 minutes on the stupid, stupid torture stair machine when I really don’t want to. Helping patiently with 4^th grade math homework when I’d rather gouge my eyes out. The same “everyday heroism” you specialize in, as well.

And now, I’ve got to summon the tiger within me, and get that trash can to the curb…