I wish there was somebody -- from either party, or even a third party -- who really got my heart racing about an exciting new direction for this country. I'd even settle for someone who didn't irritate me to death or put me to sleep. No such luck. As I look at the guys, look at their positions, (and in some cases, re-look and re-look each time they change their positions), I'm left with the same uneasy feeling. I feel like every single one of them, in their own way, is just... well... icky.
I admit with some level of embarrassment that these candidates also remind me of ... cartoon characters. There, I said it out loud. I admit this with full understanding that this says far more about me than it does the contenders. I'm probably blowing my chances of ever being admitted to Mensa.
Nonetheless, I will share my very deep, political analysis of each major candidate -- i.e., which cartoon character I cannot get out of my mind when I see them:
I know the President can't help that he looks emaciated to me, and I'm only slightly jealous about his slender build -- but he reminds me of Slim, from the movie, A Bug's Life.
Lately, soundbites of the President are sounding increasingly like Porky Pig -- he's adopted this stutter that was always there, but it seems more pronounced now, at least to me. I don't know if it's a nervous tic, or an affectation of some sort, but I wish he would stop it. I picture every audio or video editor in America screaming in frustration as their clip with 5 seconds of content takes up 10 seconds of space due to the stuttered portion, which can't be gracefully edited out.
As I considered this issue with the President, I couldn't escape the fact that another candidate, who does not stutter at all, has always reminded me of Porky Pig....
Newt Gingrich
Please know, this is in no way a jab at Mr. Gingrich's weight -- as someone who has struggled with weight all my life, I would never do that. It's not the weight, I promise -- it's something about the way he carries himself. And yet, he's had more wives than I've had dates... so he must be doing something right.
The next candidate has not had as many wives, but he's undeniably dashing. Trouble for me, is, there's some kind of undertone there, real or imagined, that puts him in the role of Gaston, from Beauty and the Beast, rather than Prince Charming...
Mitt Romney
To his credit, though, Mr. Romney at least comes across to me as a strong personality. As strong as this next candidate's views seem to be, I have to admit that he's the only one for whom I had to "reach" for a cartoon character to round out the field. I sincerely already saw the others as the characters I've shared. But this guy? Nothing. Birds chirping. Somewhere between an Amish son-in-law and a chess club enthusiast who's kind of unpopular, and a little bitter about it.
Perhaps you can reply below with your own suggestion for this candidate's counterpart. For now, though, it's the Dad from Phineas and Ferb.
Rick Santorum
And finally, it's Ross Perot Ron Paul. All kidding aside, this guy does occasionally come off as a bit of a wingnut -- but at the same time, I like his consistent ability to think outside the box. In case we haven't noticed, the box doesn't seem to contain anything that works.
Since Mr. Paul first hit my radar, his energy and seemingly sunny disposition have always brought to mind Mr. Magoo. Remember him? Yeah, I just aged myself to the point where, not only have I not had as many dates as Mr. Gingrich has had wives, but I'm certain to never get one again...
Ron Paul
And just in case I haven't completely sealed my fate as decidedly dateless, I'll share one last thing with you. It's not just political candidates who live in my brain as cartoon characters. It's broader than that. It's an oddball reflection of how my mind works, not meant to be interpreted as disrespectful to any of these courageous and tireless men who are willing to throw their hats into the circus ring we call Presidential politics.
After all, I have been accused of bearing a striking resemblance to a character from my favorite cartoon of all time, Scooby-Doo. No, not Daphne... *sigh*, couldn't be Daphne...
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